kids

Our kids are almost two now.  It is hard to write anything down due to fear and anxiety and all the mixed emotions that went along that bumpy road of infertility and fetal loss and all the strength it took to give up the seed sowing journey to another woman.  It was hard to not be able to watch, interact, and be a part of the process of the time, that in history books and on tv shows, say is a time that is to be cherished and special. - a time to hold and bond with your husband and wink and smile at each other giddy with the life that is to come- meanwhile at home in reality we were grieving and post partum and overcome with every negative emotion due to the tragic and frightening and unconscionable horrific and painful horrendous loss of our son.  It was hard to see that the world would bring us joy and it was hard to think that if the world did bring us this joy how suddenly and how soon and painfully would it be taken from us.  As it happened, the babies were born early bringing up all the pain, suffering and sorrow of our previous ptsd.  Fear was a legitimate everyday concern.  Living through travesty and death once again was a huge concern.  All we could do was learn to give it up to the Lord and trust in His plan and His world and His planet and have things go the way He wanted them to, for good or bad.  Placing our scrubbed and sanitized finger in the hot-house enclosure to let the small red creature barely resembling a human baby was all we could do and we did our best to cherish those moments- to cherish those babies while on earth- to love them weather they stayed or went.  Over weeks their health improved but it hasn't been until recently that we have gotten the all clear.  Now we run the risk of crazy, wild, child behavior and keep a keen eye on the slow vocal development.  Feelings of "maybe God will bless us with these babies for some time" now have started to sink in but fear of the unwanted future still lingers below the surface- on walks, in cars, any and all places "how is this day going to end in tragedy" is the haunting ever-present fear.  Prayers and reminders to lift it up to the Lord and He will do what is Best must be ever constant.

The Quest for Money

The Research and Delusion

How do I even put it into words?

I sit here struggling; not knowing where to start.  A blurry mess it was.  I can tell you my sob story as to how we got to this point but that would be uncooth; one of those things in a persons life that one dares not talk about due to the unrelenting pain.  But how do I not start with that.  A reader must know the past anquish to even find any of the awkwardness reasonable.  But, I guess,  all reason is put aside for the best reason of all: Family.